I have been MIA for months just trying to figure out how to accurately gather my emotions into words. Fearful that if I wrote how I truly felt, I would only sound depressed or broken, but what I’ve come to terms with recently is brokenness isn’t bad. I started 2018 with the mindset that I wouldn’t allow an environment to change my attitude toward life. However, that is exactly what happened.
I previously used this blog as a place to vent my emotional stress as I was struggling to find a job and then I found one. I accepted the job with the mindset of future. I viewed the position as a foot in the door. I accepted because, after months of rejections, It felt like I was finally having life turn around. I was overjoyed with the door opening but over the last several months I started to feel a heavy amount of depression from it. It started off just fine, I was learning new things I never knew about. There were days that were good, patients that really did bring me so much joy with the simplest act of a smile. Moments when my heart just broke from the encounters I heard a patient encountered, that led me to add them to my prayer list. Days when I would go home and just cry from how rude people could be. I vented to my parents and close friends about my job. After I reached 6 months I decided maybe I can just apply to other positions within the hospital, actually pertaining to my degree field. I had one or two interviews but nothing was happening. I decided maybe I just need to be more positive right? So I came into work every week trying to be just that, but even on the good days, I left work feeling like my heart was being chipped. I felt broken. I was upset and I could tell it was weighing down on me more than I thought. It was like I just lost faith in humanity because of how many rude encounters I had with patients. I had lost my love for people, my bubbly personality and instead just became someone I wasn’t happy with.

My Pentecostal parents continued to urge me to pray and God would work the rest. However, a part of me just felt hurt and upset with God. I found myself questioning him. It was like he opened a door, and I thought everything was finally working out for me and then BAM, it’s like last spring all over again, the same broken spot. How many times is he going to break me before finally letting me be happy? But then you know what I realized, every time things go great we tend to forget to go to God. I don’t believe God was punishing me, I believe my God is one that is a great teacher and if there is one thing he’s continued to show me, it is that I need to learn to allow him to use me in what HE NEEDS rather than only satisfying what I WANT.

Through this season I have only found hope and peace through prayer and worship. I was listening to a spontaneous worship playlist on YouTube and came across the song Defender. As you all know from the previous posts, music has always been my one-way line to God. It’s when I’m in worship when I feel God more than ever. So as the song played, the started the bridge and as I heard these lyrics I felt a chill over my entire my body, the same feeling I get when I’m deep into worship and I feel God’s presence ever so raw.

“When I thought I lost me
You knew where I left me
You reintroduced me to Your love
And You picked up all my pieces
Put me back together
You are the defender of my heart”

These lyrics resonate so deep into my life. I might not have everything together. I might be unhappy. BUT GOD, still knows my heart no matter how many times I try to turn away. He continues to reintroduce me to his love. I know things are going to work out. I decided to do a fast for the remainder of the month. Just one meal so I can spend more time with him. I have now a week remaining of my fast and man, the devil is in attack mode. I have heard of how the enemy does this during fasting but never experienced this before with any other fast I’ve done. These last two weeks have probably become the hardest I’ve ever encountered. Completely broken and emotionally weak. Swollen eyes from what feels like emotional wrecks where I get uglier than Kim Kardashian crying so you know its bad.
 BUT GOD, I say again because God is so perfect in all his ways and ALWAYS there to remind of his grace has pulled through for me EVERY SINGLE breakdown. If it’s not through worship, it’s through friends that he’s brought into my life in the exact moment of trouble to pray with me and remind me of His unfailing love. This morning He even put the book of Job in my mind first thing when I woke up. I never truly studied the book but as I was reading it this morning I was stuck. Job had everything taken away but he did not let that take away his trust in God. He cried out to God, “The Lord gave me what I had, and the Lord has taken it away. Praise the name of the LORD!” (Job 1:21 MSG). In all of the pain and suffering, Job did not blame God for what was taken from him. As I continued to read this morning another portion of this scripture really just spoke into my circumstance. “So, what a blessing when God steps in and corrects you! Mind you, don’t despise the discipline of Almighty God! True, he wounds, but he also dresses the wound; the same hand that hurts you, heals you. From one disaster after another, he delivers you; no matter what the calamity, the evil can’t touch you.” (Job 5:17-19 MSG).

I’ve heard the saying “God doesn’t give us more than you can handle” a lot lately. Each time I question it, but even in this scripture that I read from this morning I hear that same message. No matter the hurt I face, God is still loving, he’s still present in the hurt and he will provide healing. The glory of the Lord will sustain my victory.

I don’t know what is to come this week, I don’t know what more the enemy can send my way to break me, but I know my God is ever so loving. I know that when things don’t seem to make sense, God is still there. When I lose faith, he sends his angels to me with the power to push me through the tough times.

Through it all, my eyes are on HIM, and with that, I know it is all going to be okay.

in His grace,

New Year, New Heart


Every new year, I receive a promise verse, by random. Most churches do this by passing around a basket with folded pieces of paper to which you pick up a piece and are assigned your promise. I guess to an outsider this can be seen as a fortune, but for me, it’s something I always loved and looked forward to in the new year. This year, however, my church did it differently, envelopes with a new years card and inside the card, you would find the verse. I picked my envelope and waited till after I got to the car after church to see what my promise of the year would be. I eagerly opened the envelope, hoping that I would get a promise of faithfulness or love. When I read my verse, however, I did not understand it.

“And I will give you a new year with new and right desires, and I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stony heart of sin and give you a new, obedient heart. And I will put my Spirit in you so you will obey my laws and do whatever I command.” (Ezekiel 36:25-27)

Did I have a stony heart of sin? This verse seemed like a very stern promise. I decided it was only right that I look into the context of the verse. I opened my bible today only to find that the portion with these verses in Chapter 36 were highlighted by me on February 1st, 2014. Makes me think maybe I didn’t fully apply to what God was telling me four years ago and here I am today being reminded of the same portion. This scripture speaks on what the Lord says to the people of Israel. The Lord promises to provide sprinkles of clean water in other translations to clean them of the impurities and from their idols.
When I think of this scripture and how it correlates to my life, I realized that maybe I needed this stern reminder to turn away from my personal idols. For me, that is devoting more of my time to social media or Netflix binges before I think to open my bible or talk to God. My attitude of thinking about myself before I think about others, the desires of worldly love before Christ-centered love in my life.

When I think back on 2014 when I first found this verse I remember the place I was in, my relationship with God was still in a soft place where I just had surrendered myself again to him and felt new in Him. Maybe that is where God is taking me again.

For the last few months, I have been having trouble on what to post on, not because I didn’t have things to write on but I just felt this overwhelming fear of discouragement. Every time I opened up my laptop and began to type I would get halfway through a post and question why I was even doing this. Why I felt like I even had to share my thoughts, my experiences. I began to think that no matter what I said it wouldn’t be worth sharing. I was running away from God so I felt as if I didn’t even have a place to share my voice anymore. Recently a good friend of mine, who became a faithful reader asked me why it has been a minute and I told him just as it is:  I been having a lot of things I wanna talk about but I been scared to talk on so it’s a battle with writing lately. He responded by telling me just what I needed to hear, “You are not doing the blogpost for the validation of others. Do it for you and share it!! It’ll speak to someone if it’s coming from a real place.” He pushed me with these words because not only was he right in the sense of this blog but in a way, in my own life. I was seeking validation of things in my heart that were of sin.  I guess it goes to say, everything came into a full cycle when I picked up this verse and decided to write today. Funny enough when I signed into wordpress today I got a notification of saying  it was my anniversay with this blog. One year ago I started this blog with the mindset of being fearless, so why stop that now?

2018 is the year of NEW.

A new attitude: “new spirit in me”

new obedient heart: “replacing the stony heart of sin”

obedience: to what God commands.

“And I will give you a new year with new and right desires, and I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stony heart of sin and give you a new, obedient heart. And I will put my Spirit in you so you will obey my laws and do whatever I command.” (Ezekiel 36:25-27)


Faithful Till the End



Eight months ago I graduated college without any indication of how hard the next year would be for me. I did not know how to plan for a season what seemed to be blank for me.  I was full of question marks in all areas of my life that left me feeling lost and confused most days. This season has been the reason I even started up this blog so I had an outlet to share my emotions whether it be the reality of depression or the continuous fight of hope. As this season has continued I’ve grown to experience so many emotions that I can’t even put into words.

In May I decided to put a date on my next step with my future in mind. I made a proclamation that by June 15th I would have a job. I wrote it down in my prayer journal and prayed with a group of my friends over this date with absolute faith that my God would provide. Through out the last months, I had applied to jobs in my field but also one as a part time retail associate, just to keep myself from going stir crazy at home. Funny enough,  I ended up having an interview for this job on the 14th and was offered the job by the 18th. When I got word that I got the job, I remember talking to God with mixed emotions. I was partially upset with Him because I thought God would bring me a job in my field where I could use my college degree. So how is it the one I receive by the date I was praying toward happened to be one that I didn’t have in mind? I believe God was teaching me a lesson. Maybe it was not what I expected but perhaps that was just it, I needed to realize what I expect to come isn’t what my Father has in store for me right now. He didn’t fail me, just failed to meet my expectation. I accepted the retail associate position and have been tested in my patience day in and out with it. Another thing, I believe that God wanted me to work on in this season. If there is any kind of job that will make you question humanity, it is definitely one in retail.

As time went by, I continued to apply to jobs in my field in my free time and continuing to learn the test of patience. I learned to shrug off the rejection emails and became numb to the No’s.  There has been so many days in these last few weeks I just wanted to break down and give up from the feeling of discouragement along the journey of this season but thank God for the amazing group of friends he has placed in my life. My friends and family became the only sense of sanity for me, and for that, I am forever grateful. I feel like I had become so annoying with the need for a pep talk every week from my closest friends but they continued to help me remember that the waiting will be worth it and boy, were they right!!

*cue anticipation- high excitement music*

Last week, I interviewed with a hospital in a city a little over 20 minutes from my house. I woke up for the morning of the interview and did my ritual of interview days, reviewing all my notes on the hospital, played my “GO(O)D Morning” playlist, review potential answers to interview questions and prayed. I had this odd sense of peace however as I entered the hospital and even throughout my interview. I clicked with my interviewer so well and it went so smooth. I walked out the interview with belief that this job was mine. I even told my cousin at lunch that day that I would receive it and she told me not to get overly excited in case I didn’t but I just had this unbearing sense of peace that it was going to work out.

Today, I got a call from the hospital’s hiring talent agent offering me the job. As he talked to me about the continuous steps with hiring and my start date I just broke down crying right there on the phone. I ended the phone call trying to be subtle and not overly ecstatic but the moment I hung up the call, I broke down right there in my bedroom. Heck, even now as I type this, my eyes are filled, and my heart is overjoyed.  It has been the hardest season of my life. These last eight months I have encountered the biggest test of faith I ever faced in life but to know that my God, my amazing Father, has yet to leave me empty handed but only come to be faithful until the end, man. I am beyond blessed today and I know that I wouldn’t have even made it here without his favor on my life. This is only the beginning.

So if there is any advice to any of my readers I can give, stay faithful. No matter how hard the fight is, no matter how many NO’s you receive.  There is a joy coming. The journey is never going to be easy. You will want to give up, DON’T! You will feel alone but fear not, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. God is faithful. His promise still stands and I assure you he is faithful til the end. Believe that.

God is soo good… Always!


Seeking God in the Silence


Every morning I wake up to the same routine: wake up at 9 am, read my daily devotional, drink coffee, and check for new job postings to apply to. I would be lying if I said I wake up every day looking forward to it. In fact some days I wake up so frustrated that I don’t have a new email congratulating me on being hired rather than the emails telling me they decided to go with another candidate. If there is anything to make you question yourself,  this has to be it! On top of that, the conversations with my parents have only got worse from the concern to now disappointed worry. I have been in a constant battle of overcoming doubt.

As a Christian its taken a toll on my relationship with Christ. How do I continue to try to seek out his will when I feel as if God is just silent? Is he working and am I just too stubborn and blind to his direction? As I continue to grow into ‘adult life’ I realize the faith I have always admired from my parents is harder to grasp. I grew up surrounded by prayer, by my mom singing Christian song as she cooked, family prayer every night, my grandfather praying over every school year and my father praying every day for me before I left the house. In every circumstance, no matter it was good or bad, they would pray, from the passing of my grandmother to me receiving my first paycheck from my high school part time job. It seems like the connection I have always admired with my parents faith where God is in every aspect of life is lost. Especially when my own personal life issues are to play (i.e relationships, friendships, etc.) So what is different between me and my parents? Sure the times were different, my parents didn’t live in the same mindset as I do, so for me seeking God seems so much harder, but why? Is it the generation I am in? Is it because instead of being the reason for my living, Christ has become something I try to schedule into my day to make time for rather than letting him be in control?

Someone once told me that I saw God as a genie and I was so defensive, how could they say that about me but I realize now how real they were being with me. God is more than someone who tries to grant my wishes. “Seek the Giver, not the gift.” That means seeking him even in the moments that seem bad, because no matter what He’s taking care of us and the time will come when he does provide what I am wanting.

Lately, I have been learning to live day by day, which has been so hard for me, a planner. Sometimes you just have to allow yourself to be in the silence and still believe, he is still present.

“Take courage my heart, stay steadfast my soul,
He’s in the waiting, He’s in the waiting
Hold onto your hope, as your triumph unfolds
He’s never failing, He’s never failing”


If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.


That One Topic We Love To Avoid


It’s been over a month since I last posted and in this last month every time I started up a post, I would delete it in fear of exposing my feelings. I’ve gone through a mix of emotions from feeling encouraged by friends; to continue pushing through life, to a sadness that felt like depression; where I didn’t even want to get out of bed and face the day being I felt like it was just going to be another day of disappointment. To publicly admit that in its self is hard. I choose to be vulnerable today and speak out on this because although many don’t want to face the fact that it is completely normal to be down sometimes. Depression is something I feel like most people don’t speak up about because it’s seen as an illness that continues to bring a person down by negative thoughts built up. This feeling of being alone is so tough that often times you don’t even want to talk about it when the symptoms are so clear because of the ridicule you can face by publicly allowing others to know that you are in this deep emotional state.

In the last week, I have come to learn how deeply I can be affected by my own emotions because they can make you extremely fragile, but it is in that reality that I discovered how God is the only solution to bring me peace. It isn’t until you realize that there’s nothing you can do to qualify or disqualify you from the love of God that you really experience his love and learn to love yourself.  Even in the midst of the dark times when it hurts like hell and not even the words your friends say can console you, God is there. My hardest battle in this time was to remain in faith and stay positive but I have learned that the even in my little efforts, God is beside me. What seems like failed attempts to me is what He finds joy in because of the continuous effort to better my walk.

Funny enough last week in the midst of a rough day I decided to clean my room and blast my music. The first song that played was the song “Keep Your Head Up” by Andy Grammer. The lyrics of the song goes, “I’m seeing all the angles, starts to get tangled/ I start to compromise/ My life and the purpose/ Is it all worth it, Am I gonna turn out fine?/ Oh, you’ll turn out fine/ Fine, oh, you’ll turn out fine/But you gotta keep your head up, oh/ And you can let your hair down, eh/You gotta keep your head up” I couldn’t help but laugh at how yet again I was reminded that I will be fine. God may fail our expectations sometimes, but he never fails us.

So to whoever you are, whatever you’re battling, today I want to remind you that is you are not alone, I am here with you. I know it’s not easy. I know that there are times when you just want to give up and stop trying, today I want you to be reminded that sometimes it isn’t about trying,  it’s about trusting.

Keep your head up, and when times get hard, talk to God.


When One Door Closes, Another Will Open


For the last 4 months, I have been extremely hopeful, believing that if I waited patiently enough the door was going to open and it would be the job I been praying for at a hospital I fell in love with since the moment I heard about it. Although I applied to numerous jobs at other hospitals and health centers in my current location and cities near me, I had all my hopes invested in this opportunity opening up with this position I felt was mine.
Today, however, I found out that the position was not mine. From the moment I got the news, I tried my best to stay positive but I could not help but feel disqualified and defeated all over again. I was under the impression for months that God had been crafting me for this job, so why didn’t it work out?! I spent a good portion of my day crying and talking to some amazing people God planted in my life, and they provided me with their best advice and encouragement and although I wanted to believe it, I still was upset. To make the day worse, after beginning to feel better after a while, I got an email from another job I applied for saying they decided to go with another candidate. I opened the email and laughed, but then the laughing became a ugly cry of frustration.
I decided I needed to just talk to God and let him know my frustration and as I spent time in his presence, he decided to give me a wake-up call. I’m a strong believer that God has a reason for everything and although I am unaware of why this didn’t work I think this closed door is prepping me to step toward the path leading to the right door, the one God has intended to open for me. This job was something  I wanted, but the true perfect spot for me isn’t what I want, its what GOD wants for me.
God is never going to fail me, His promise over my life still stands. He told me that He is about to open doors in my life in November and the thing is, I was believing that was with the job position. But today, I’m realizing maybe the doors he is opening starts with me allowing Him to completely take control of my life first. Less of me and more of Him.
My friend, Lyndsey, sent me this song, “Do It Again – Elevation Worship” (click title to listen) a month ago but tonight when I spent time in worship I listened to the lyrics, and it was just so fitting to my current day.

“Your promise still stands
Great is Your faithfulness, faithfulness
I’m still in Your hands
This is my confidence, You never failed me yet

I’ve seen You move, You move the mountains
And I believe, I’ll see You do it again
You made a way, where there was no way
And I believe, I’ll see You do it again”

Tonight, I was forced to question myself with the most important question, ‘Am I putting God first?‘ My promise verse last year was one that I took with me until I graduated, I even wrote it on my graduation cap, “Trust in the LORD with all your heart And do not lean on your own understanding.In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your path.”- Proverbs 3:5-6 See, I was trusting God but my problem was I was leaning on my own understanding, in what I WANTED, I wasn’t putting God first to take control. God needs to be my number one priority, not the last person I go to with my problem.

This week I’m challenging you with the same challenge I am giving myself, spend more time with God. That means not trying to work Him into my schedule but waking up and praying; talking to Him before I check the notifications on my phone. It means talking and listening to Him between my day. The truth is, when we trust in God and spend our day with Him being first, we are given a peaceful spirit.  Prayer does not have to be this overly crafted thing with all the perfect words to impress God, trust me, He isn’t grading your prayers and critiquing them like your English professor. It’s connecting with Him, coming as we are, desperate, and finding restoration in His presence. Talk to Him, He can’t wait to hear from you.

love Him as He loves You,

You’re the God of Miracles


Since I started this blog this year I have been pretty good about posting timely but recently I took a break as some of you may have noticed (shout out to my faithful readers, asking why I haven’t written..you guys encourage me! <3)  for two weeks and to be completely honest  it’s because I just felt like nothing I had to share would beneficial to anyone due to my negative, defeated, depressed attitude with my life. This attitude continued until sometime last week when my Sprinkles of Jesus app sent me a reminder with the verse: “The pain you’ve been feeling can’t compare to the joy that is coming.”- Romans 8:18 Now I’ve read this verse a good amount of times in my life but this time reading this verse I felt like God was really trying to grab my attention using the one thing I’m constantly checking, my phone. There is so much power in this verse, guys.

There is JOY that is coming, regardless of the current pain you are experiencing! Whether it’s a financial burden, a health issue, a broken heart, of for me personally, not knowing what’s next, this pain won’t last forever. Be patient, God wouldn’t put you through all this to give you less than what you had before. It’s coming, just be patient.

This past week I have been listening to the song Miracles on repeat and as I listened to a cover of the song sung by Amanda Cook & Bethel Music tonight, I  closed my eyes and decided to just listen to the lyrics…

The One who made the blind to see
Is moving here in front of me, moving here in front of me
The One who made the deaf to hear
Is silencing my every fear, silencing my every fear

I believe in You, I believe in You
You’re the God of miracles
I believe in You, I believe in You
You’re the God of miracles

The One who does impossible is
Reaching out to make me whole
Reaching out to make me whole
The One who put death in its place
His life is flowing through my veins
His life is flowing through my veins

[Chorus x2:]
I believe in You, I believe in You
You’re the God of miracles
I believe in You, I believe in You
You’re the God of miracles

The God who was and is to come
The power of the Risen One
The God who brings the dead to life
You’re the God of miracles!
You’re the God of miracles!

It is so easy to sing these lyrics but when you really read these words and think about it..man, we serve an amazing God! I don’t know about you, but for me to think about this father who literally gave someone who lived in a world where he could only hear about the blue skies and beauty of nature, the sight to see them? How are you not amazed?! Not only that but, that same God gave life back to someone who the world believed was dead! If that doesn’t do it..get this, that SAME God has His life is flowing through my veins!! Makes me just feel so shocked honestly, in awe of his wonder. If God can do all that, of course, God is going to bring joy into my life. But, in order for that to happen, I MUST believe in Him.

Tonight, I ask you this, what is stopping you from believing in the miracle worker we have guiding us through each step in our life?

“Do not lose your courage, then, because it brings with it a great reward. You need to be patient, in order to do the will of God and receive what he promises.” -Hebrews 10:35-36(GNT)

don’t stop believin’

Waiting for the Lord


Lately, I been in a place of feeling defeated and battling a overwhelming feeling of doubt. These feelings although are quite normal, have had me feeling ashamed to even express to my friends and family who are always ready to be my support group in times of need. I realized when I finally did vent to a friend however, that I wasn’t alone and in that, I found peace.
Why don’t people who are going through the scary, painful and ugly period of waiting not talk about it?  Maybe it’s because we live in this world where we rather display all the accomplishments and speak about the miracles we experience. I guess, personally, it’s hard to talk about this time because you don’t want others to see you when you are defeated and know about this time of depression or hardship you experience. I started this blog this year, because I wanted to express myself, and as weeks go on, I have come to realize, me being raw is needed. I guess as scary as it is to be vulnerable and share about what I struggle with, there is a reason God put it on my heart to start this, because there is someone out there that needs to know, they’re not alone.

You see, as I continue on in this season of waiting, I have talked to multiple people who have been where I was before, that continue to remind me of the same message, “This is the time where you’re suppose to wait, don’t rush this time, enjoy it..Once you get a job, you’re gonna be wishing you had this free time again.” Although it is so encouraging to hear and be reminded to enjoy this free time, which I can truly say I have been, it doesn’t make it much easier. Especially in my Indian community where EVERY time I meet someone new or talk to an adult, I am asked what I’m doing with my life. I was talking to a friend this week who happens to be in my boat about how we hated these dreaded conversations and questions we get every week and how to answer it properly without sounding like we are being bums and receiving concerned looks. She told me she’s been using the answer of “I’m waiting for the Lord.” because not only is it true but once she said that, people kind of just stop the questions and tell her they’d keep her in prayer. I laughed when she told me this..I mean, wow, what an easy way to just get out the conversation you want to avoid! But then I realized it’s the truth in that statement. I don’t have my life together because I am waiting on the Lord to give me the next move. I’ve done all that I can do, and now it’s in His hands. God is a funny God..all my life I have always had a hard time with being patient, and I think currently God is teaching me through this struggle the true test of patience. This is the stage in life when I just get to figure out who I am in God and I think I lost sight of that.

I truly  believe we go through seasons to learn how to grow stronger. You all have heard the saying “April showers bring May flowers.” You don’t see these seasons change over night. For a flower to blossom, a seed must expand its roots in the fertile, be watered daily, and then begin to blossom to bloom into a flower. I guess currently my roots are being expanded. As I grow deeper in my walk with God, I know even in this time where I feel alone and defeated, God is watering me, so that I will be prepared to blossom into a beautiful flower.

Romans 8:24-28 says : For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? 25 But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.26 In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. 27 And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God.28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. 

seek Him and He will provide you with peace.


The Unequipped to Call



When I left for college I remember feeling scared but overall excited for this new freedom I didn’t have growing up. You see, I picked a college that was 3.5 hours away from my family and the Indian community I grew up in. I grew up spending all of my free time at church so I was excited to finally experience this world that all my school friends raved about that I never knew. I remember after my first month of college feeling incomplete without a church and a community. So I reached out to a friend in my dorm and decided to start going to church with her. That church became my ‘home away from home’ church for the next 4 years. But as college went on, I fell into a new lifestyle which consisted of going out weekly and becoming this person I didn’t like. I remember one day in my sophomore year just coming to a point where I felt like I was doing everything I saw around me that made others happy but yet I was coming short from the happiness that I saw around me. I was at a point where I felt like God wasn’t so present. I  began to think that God was unhappy with me because I wasn’t leading my life the way I was raised so I just ran from Him.
I went home that summer and fell back into the routine of church weekly and one weekend in June my church had a youth conference. I still remember this night so clearly. The speaker talked about how there was so many people that didn’t even know God and his love and its our job as Christians to go on our campus and share, it starts with you! That night my mentor came over to where I was sitting and prayed over me and then said: ‘Let go of the pain your feeling and the things that hurt you.The past does not define you.’ She had no idea what was going in my life but she told me God had led her to pray over me. I came home that night and wrote these words in my journal, and told myself that I would do what God wanted from me.
That August I returned to my college campus for my junior year. As each week went by, I was trying to figure out how I would go about this change. I was involved in a church but there wasn’t really something I felt like fit for me from God. That September, my youth leader told me about how he joined a college ministry, InterVarsity Christian Fellowship and he was starting it off on my campus and wanted me to be involved. I decided to attend the meetings they had weekly but still wasn’t sure if this was for me. Until I attended the Fall Conference with this ministry that October and God just broke my heart. That following week the Staff Leader of IV asked to meet me for coffee. I met with her and she told me that she wanted me to become a leader of a small group and to join the ministry. I began to think of every excuse to say no.. I told her how I wasn’t good for this..  I couldn’t possibly be a leader when I used to party every weekend.. I told her that she should ask someone else. She left me that day with some verses, and told me to pray about it. So I did and shortly after praying for a week, I remember hearing that message in my head from the summer, “It starts with you.” I was unequipped, how was I suppose to bring others to Christ when I wasn’t a perfect example of a Christian?
As weeks passed, I felt like God kept bringing me back to this idea of joining leadership for this ministry and so as time went by I finally listened and agreed. I co-lead a bible study with a good friend and then after a semester God lead me to lead an all girls bible study. Through this experience I got to meet so many college students, who like me, moved away from home, who were struggling in their christian walk while being a normal college student. It was crazy how my life experiences shortly became to be a light to others but that was the glory in it all.
I share this with you readers to remind you to not be ashamed to stand out. God calls the unequipped. Where you feel like others might judge, might also lead people to seek Christ because they see where your life changed. Sure, some of you might read this post and know me for who I was three years ago think “oh, where does she come off speaking about God?” but I am no longer ashamed of the girl I was once. My past doesn’t define me. I see my early college years now as a stage in my life where I didn’t know who I was and I searched all over, only to realize I had ran from the one who knew my heart all along. God was always present, in my good days and bad days. Yes, my life took a change but you knew whats the beauty in it all?  Sometimes we have to hit rock bottom for us to realize that God is the rock at the bottom of all things!

so who ever you are, I remind you of this, you are more than others may say you are, you, my sweet friend, are who God says you are. You’re being crafted into a beautiful masterpiece..that’s one thing I’m sure of, God does not just settle for average!

chin up, beloved.


Darling, don’t you know you’re Beautiful?


This might not be my typical blog post but it’s been one I had to speak on. For the last few weeks I feel like I have been trying to figure out how to word this post but I struggled with how to form the words, so this might just be a scatterbrained post but bear with me.

As most of my readers know, I recently graduated college and in my free time being home, waiting for whats next in life, I have been trying to spend my time catching up with friends. Being someone who has lived in six different cities who is extremely social, this list of friendship go from Seattle to New York but I can honestly say I love each friendship I have. Taking this free time to really just devote to my friendships and soak up in each relationships in my life has been so great, so quick shout out to all of you out there blessing me with your presence in my life. Among doing this I have come to know that a lot of my friends are struggling with the same issue, loving themselves. I know I myself struggle with this. *cues Julia Michaels singing Issues*
I know as a woman, I look in the mirror and I find my flaws: acne scars, dark circles under my eyes, crazy curly hair, no thigh gap, the list can go on… These are just a few of the things that make me feel like I am not good or pretty enough cause what its not what is praised in the world we live in. Living in a world where being skinny, having flawless light skin and straight hair is seen as beautiful, it’s hard for girls like me: the curvy, dark skinned, curly hair girl. It wasn’t until a good three years ago where I started to see that in order to be truly happy, I had to love myself first. This starts with learning to love these parts of me that I wasn’t happy with; the flaws, the insecurities, the things that weigh down my self esteem.
For me, this is still a process. It meant reminding myself that although I am not a fair skin Indian girl like the rest of my community, I am beautiful in my milk chocolate complexion no matter the ridicule I’ve heard growing up because of my skin tone. It means embracing my curly hair that I grew up hating because every other girl I knew had gorgeous straight hair and I had hair that was so hard to tame. It took me looking at myself everyday and saying “I am beautiful, just the way I am” for me to start allowing a change to take place.
You see, I have come to this point of understanding that there is power in my thoughts and my words. I guess my point in writing tonight, is to simply say that your thoughts about yourself, the things you allow yourself to believe that you are not good enough will only continue to weigh you down so you must change that attitude. Happiness means loving yourself, because self love is the most important thing in order to grow.

Love those curves, love your skin no matter the shade, love your hair; curly or straight, love your smile, and most of all, love yourself.


p.s. you’re not alone! 🙂