I have been MIA for months just trying to figure out how to accurately gather my emotions into words. Fearful that if I wrote how I truly felt, I would only sound depressed or broken, but what I’ve come to terms with recently is brokenness isn’t bad. I started 2018 with the mindset that I wouldn’t allow an environment to change my attitude toward life. However, that is exactly what happened.
I previously used this blog as a place to vent my emotional stress as I was struggling to find a job and then I found one. I accepted the job with the mindset of future. I viewed the position as a foot in the door. I accepted because, after months of rejections, It felt like I was finally having life turn around. I was overjoyed with the door opening but over the last several months I started to feel a heavy amount of depression from it. It started off just fine, I was learning new things I never knew about. There were days that were good, patients that really did bring me so much joy with the simplest act of a smile. Moments when my heart just broke from the encounters I heard a patient encountered, that led me to add them to my prayer list. Days when I would go home and just cry from how rude people could be. I vented to my parents and close friends about my job. After I reached 6 months I decided maybe I can just apply to other positions within the hospital, actually pertaining to my degree field. I had one or two interviews but nothing was happening. I decided maybe I just need to be more positive right? So I came into work every week trying to be just that, but even on the good days, I left work feeling like my heart was being chipped. I felt broken. I was upset and I could tell it was weighing down on me more than I thought. It was like I just lost faith in humanity because of how many rude encounters I had with patients. I had lost my love for people, my bubbly personality and instead just became someone I wasn’t happy with.
My Pentecostal parents continued to urge me to pray and God would work the rest. However, a part of me just felt hurt and upset with God. I found myself questioning him. It was like he opened a door, and I thought everything was finally working out for me and then BAM, it’s like last spring all over again, the same broken spot. How many times is he going to break me before finally letting me be happy? But then you know what I realized, every time things go great we tend to forget to go to God. I don’t believe God was punishing me, I believe my God is one that is a great teacher and if there is one thing he’s continued to show me, it is that I need to learn to allow him to use me in what HE NEEDS rather than only satisfying what I WANT.
Through this season I have only found hope and peace through prayer and worship. I was listening to a spontaneous worship playlist on YouTube and came across the song Defender. As you all know from the previous posts, music has always been my one-way line to God. It’s when I’m in worship when I feel God more than ever. So as the song played, the started the bridge and as I heard these lyrics I felt a chill over my entire my body, the same feeling I get when I’m deep into worship and I feel God’s presence ever so raw.
“When I thought I lost me
You knew where I left me
You reintroduced me to Your love
And You picked up all my pieces
Put me back together
You are the defender of my heart”
These lyrics resonate so deep into my life. I might not have everything together. I might be unhappy. BUT GOD, still knows my heart no matter how many times I try to turn away. He continues to reintroduce me to his love. I know things are going to work out. I decided to do a fast for the remainder of the month. Just one meal so I can spend more time with him. I have now a week remaining of my fast and man, the devil is in attack mode. I have heard of how the enemy does this during fasting but never experienced this before with any other fast I’ve done. These last two weeks have probably become the hardest I’ve ever encountered. Completely broken and emotionally weak. Swollen eyes from what feels like emotional wrecks where I get uglier than Kim Kardashian crying so you know its bad.
BUT GOD, I say again because God is so perfect in all his ways and ALWAYS there to remind of his grace has pulled through for me EVERY SINGLE breakdown. If it’s not through worship, it’s through friends that he’s brought into my life in the exact moment of trouble to pray with me and remind me of His unfailing love. This morning He even put the book of Job in my mind first thing when I woke up. I never truly studied the book but as I was reading it this morning I was stuck. Job had everything taken away but he did not let that take away his trust in God. He cried out to God, “The Lord gave me what I had, and the Lord has taken it away. Praise the name of the LORD!” (Job 1:21 MSG). In all of the pain and suffering, Job did not blame God for what was taken from him. As I continued to read this morning another portion of this scripture really just spoke into my circumstance. “So, what a blessing when God steps in and corrects you! Mind you, don’t despise the discipline of Almighty God! True, he wounds, but he also dresses the wound; the same hand that hurts you, heals you. From one disaster after another, he delivers you; no matter what the calamity, the evil can’t touch you.” (Job 5:17-19 MSG).
I’ve heard the saying “God doesn’t give us more than you can handle” a lot lately. Each time I question it, but even in this scripture that I read from this morning I hear that same message. No matter the hurt I face, God is still loving, he’s still present in the hurt and he will provide healing. The glory of the Lord will sustain my victory.
I don’t know what is to come this week, I don’t know what more the enemy can send my way to break me, but I know my God is ever so loving. I know that when things don’t seem to make sense, God is still there. When I lose faith, he sends his angels to me with the power to push me through the tough times.
Through it all, my eyes are on HIM, and with that, I know it is all going to be okay.
in His grace,