Lately, I been in a place of feeling defeated and battling a overwhelming feeling of doubt. These feelings although are quite normal, have had me feeling ashamed to even express to my friends and family who are always ready to be my support group in times of need. I realized when I finally did vent to a friend however, that I wasn’t alone and in that, I found peace.
Why don’t people who are going through the scary, painful and ugly period of waiting not talk about it? Maybe it’s because we live in this world where we rather display all the accomplishments and speak about the miracles we experience. I guess, personally, it’s hard to talk about this time because you don’t want others to see you when you are defeated and know about this time of depression or hardship you experience. I started this blog this year, because I wanted to express myself, and as weeks go on, I have come to realize, me being raw is needed. I guess as scary as it is to be vulnerable and share about what I struggle with, there is a reason God put it on my heart to start this, because there is someone out there that needs to know, they’re not alone.
You see, as I continue on in this season of waiting, I have talked to multiple people who have been where I was before, that continue to remind me of the same message, “This is the time where you’re suppose to wait, don’t rush this time, enjoy it..Once you get a job, you’re gonna be wishing you had this free time again.” Although it is so encouraging to hear and be reminded to enjoy this free time, which I can truly say I have been, it doesn’t make it much easier. Especially in my Indian community where EVERY time I meet someone new or talk to an adult, I am asked what I’m doing with my life. I was talking to a friend this week who happens to be in my boat about how we hated these dreaded conversations and questions we get every week and how to answer it properly without sounding like we are being bums and receiving concerned looks. She told me she’s been using the answer of “I’m waiting for the Lord.” because not only is it true but once she said that, people kind of just stop the questions and tell her they’d keep her in prayer. I laughed when she told me this..I mean, wow, what an easy way to just get out the conversation you want to avoid! But then I realized it’s the truth in that statement. I don’t have my life together because I am waiting on the Lord to give me the next move. I’ve done all that I can do, and now it’s in His hands. God is a funny God..all my life I have always had a hard time with being patient, and I think currently God is teaching me through this struggle the true test of patience. This is the stage in life when I just get to figure out who I am in God and I think I lost sight of that.
I truly believe we go through seasons to learn how to grow stronger. You all have heard the saying “April showers bring May flowers.” You don’t see these seasons change over night. For a flower to blossom, a seed must expand its roots in the fertile, be watered daily, and then begin to blossom to bloom into a flower. I guess currently my roots are being expanded. As I grow deeper in my walk with God, I know even in this time where I feel alone and defeated, God is watering me, so that I will be prepared to blossom into a beautiful flower.
Romans 8:24-28 says : “For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? 25 But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.26 In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. 27 And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God.28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
seek Him and He will provide you with peace.