Every morning I wake up to the same routine: wake up at 9 am, read my daily devotional, drink coffee, and check for new job postings to apply to. I would be lying if I said I wake up every day looking forward to it. In fact some days I wake up so frustrated that I don’t have a new email congratulating me on being hired rather than the emails telling me they decided to go with another candidate. If there is anything to make you question yourself, this has to be it! On top of that, the conversations with my parents have only got worse from the concern to now disappointed worry. I have been in a constant battle of overcoming doubt.
As a Christian its taken a toll on my relationship with Christ. How do I continue to try to seek out his will when I feel as if God is just silent? Is he working and am I just too stubborn and blind to his direction? As I continue to grow into ‘adult life’ I realize the faith I have always admired from my parents is harder to grasp. I grew up surrounded by prayer, by my mom singing Christian song as she cooked, family prayer every night, my grandfather praying over every school year and my father praying every day for me before I left the house. In every circumstance, no matter it was good or bad, they would pray, from the passing of my grandmother to me receiving my first paycheck from my high school part time job. It seems like the connection I have always admired with my parents faith where God is in every aspect of life is lost. Especially when my own personal life issues are to play (i.e relationships, friendships, etc.) So what is different between me and my parents? Sure the times were different, my parents didn’t live in the same mindset as I do, so for me seeking God seems so much harder, but why? Is it the generation I am in? Is it because instead of being the reason for my living, Christ has become something I try to schedule into my day to make time for rather than letting him be in control?
Someone once told me that I saw God as a genie and I was so defensive, how could they say that about me but I realize now how real they were being with me. God is more than someone who tries to grant my wishes. “Seek the Giver, not the gift.” That means seeking him even in the moments that seem bad, because no matter what He’s taking care of us and the time will come when he does provide what I am wanting.
Lately, I have been learning to live day by day, which has been so hard for me, a planner. Sometimes you just have to allow yourself to be in the silence and still believe, he is still present.
“Take courage my heart, stay steadfast my soul,
He’s in the waiting, He’s in the waiting
Hold onto your hope, as your triumph unfolds
He’s never failing, He’s never failing”
If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.